Incredible as it may seem, there are actually humans out there who have yet to contemplate buying their very own copy of “The Re-Org.” And while I’m sure most people believe that there’s absolutely no excuse for that, they would, in fact, be wrong.

Provided below is our list of Frequently Proffered Excuses (FPEs) we receive for not purchasing said brilliant manuscript. They are followed by our formal rulings regarding their acceptability. Feel free to read – cross-reference against your own dubious excuses – and save yourself some time.

Excuse #1:

I don’t read books.

Ruling:

Whoa, there, cowboy. No one’s asking you to read it. We’re asking you to buy it. Sheesh.  So go buy it.

Excuse #2:

It’s too expensive.

Ruling:

We’re sorry, but we’ve checked with the judges – and we’re afraid we can’t accept that answer. I mean, come on, Dude. It’s, like, less than a couple of packs of Chicklets. Seriously. Give us a break. Now, go buy it.

Excuse #3:

I can’t afford it because I currently donate all of my disposal income to a series of important and deserving charities who serve the needs of those who are less fortunate than I.

Ruling:

No you don’t.  Go buy it

Excuse #4:

I think you suck as a writer.

Ruling:

Okay, fair enough. Then here’s what you do. Buy the book at full price – but then don’t read it! That’ll show me who’s boss, now, won’t it? Teach me a lesson now – and go buy it

Excuse #5:

I have heard that this book is filled with egregious mistreatments, outrageous actions and inexcusable behaviors.

Ruling:

And…your point would be?  Now, go buy it

Excuse #6:

I’m afraid it will change my shallow and pre-conceived outlook on life.

Ruling:

Then you really need to buy it.  Really – go buy it

Excuse #7:

I’m afraid my boss will see me reading it.

Ruling:

Then you REALLY really need to buy it.  Seriously – go buy it

Excuse #8:

I am afraid that it will be funny. I have read the introductory landing pages – and have determined that they were indeed funny. I’m afraid the book could be even funnier. I am afraid of funny.

I am afraid it will make me laugh, which I am also afraid of. I simply cannot shake the feeling that this book is extremely fun, compelling and insightful. I am afraid of all of those things, as well.

Ruling:

Wow, that’s a tough one. Because I am forced to concede due to some potentially pending litigation that my book is indeed dangerously funny.

In fact, my team of cut-throat entertainment lawyers has strongly recommended that I scale back the humor in certain passages. Okay, I made that part up. But if I did have a team of cut-throat entertainment lawyers, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if that was the first thing they’d recommend.

But since you don’t want to take the risk, well…let me think it over.

Nope, sorry. I’ve thought it over – and you still gotta buy it. But please – proceed cautiously. Read it in small sections so you can process the humor slowly like some vintage wine or a stale-dated bowl of Grape Nuts. But whatever you do, be careful. Dear God in Heaven, be careful!

Okay – gently – I said, GENTLY!…click on this link…and go buy it

Excuse #9:

I actually don’t have an excuse. I have a problem. A big problem.

I really, really want to buy a copy of “The Re-Org.”  But after hearing how amazing it was from all of my extremely intelligent friends, I find myself almost paralyzed by the realization that $3.75 isn’t even close to what I should be paying for such a clear work of genius. I truly feel as though I would be stealing it!

I desperately want to pay more – a LOT more – but Amazon will only allow me to pay the incredibly reasonable price of just $3.75. There is no option to adjust the price upwards or even add a huge, drunken sailor-esque tip. Help!

Ruling:

Boy, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard those sentiments before. Well, okay, maybe I can. But I certainly feel your pain. Hell, I basically felt the same way when I was editing the book – and I wrote it! Unfortunately the incredibly reasonable price remains at $3.75.

However…and, well – I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I am aware of an Amazon glitch that will allow you to “accidentally” hit the purchase button 20, 30 – or even 40 – times. This will unwittingly allow you to buy as many copies of the book as you like.

Now, I’m not officially telling you to do this, of course ;), because that, you know, would be wrong of me. But I really want my readers to be happy – and even though such actions might go against my obviously high moral standards, I hereby promise that I will not file any formal complaints with Amazon when I see the multiple orders come through. Because, you know, it’s, uhhh – all about you.

Now quit your whining – and go buy it!

Excuse #10:

Hey, wait a minute! You never listed any excuses that you would accept.

Ruling:

That’s because you never came up with any good ones! But, okay, I get your point.

And I guess I would have to say that, well, I mean…if you, you know, went back to the drawing board, and then really put some time and effort and elbow grease into your thinking – and then come back with an honestly presented, completely believable – and utterly air-tight excuse…

I would probably still reject it. In fact, I would probably swat it away Big Time. As in, like an angry, hungry, blood-sugar-depleted Dikembe Motumbo who’s late for a swanky dinner appointment with about 2 seconds left in the fourth quarter.

Now, I’m sure you’re probably wondering “why?!” Why would I reject such an earnest and well-crafted excuse? Well, I’ll tell you why.

Because, my friend, I simply cannot stand the fact that you – yes you – would be missing out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to claim Claim Comprehensive Company-Wide Coolness Forever.

And then – no more excuses – go buy your copy of “The Re-Org” today!

 

 

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