Okay, fine. Go ahead, if you must.
Take your time and re-read that headline again. Because I’m not going anywhere.
And it’s not gonna change.
Hell, I’ll even re-read it for you. It says:
For, like –
Right here. Right on this page. Via what might appear to be but a few inconsequential clicks of your mouse.
Let me just repeat that last part for emphasis.
Got it? Good.
Before we get into how you’re gonna do all that, I think it’s best if we start out by being honest. Because, let’s face it;
I already know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, “Uh-hunh. Sure thing, pal. Thaaat’s probably going to happen.”
After which, you’ll go on thinking; “So, what kind of sorry-assed chump do you take me for? The kind who would actually believe that some epic fail of an author could magically confer upon me the admittedly coveted status of ‘Comprehensive Company-Wide Coolness For Evuhhhh??!’ An author who no one – and I do mean, no one – has ever even heard of?! But yet an author who still has the unmitigated gall to recommend that I invest the time, energy – and actually quite reasonable sum of just $3.75 – to secure an organizational-wide distinction which prior to this date has been beyond my wildest dreams?!!”
“And did I mention that no one has ever even heard of him?!!”
Why, yes. Yes you did. And do you know what?
Because it’s true. No one ever has heard of me. I am indeed a nobody. A loser-boy, a wannabe, a certified Z-lister – and so on.
But you see, my friend, therein lies your opportunity.
For, while it is indeed correct that this aforementioned anonymity is an accurate call – that accuracy only applies to the timeframe we refer to loosely as; “Today.”
And, as you may already be aware, said timeframe of “Today” is quite regularly followed by a subsequent unit of time referred to by most as “The Future.”
And one of the coolest things about “The Future” is that it is a period during which many things could be different.
Sometimes, even very different.
For indeed, in said “Future,” there actually exists the chance that I might go on to become wildly popular. Now, I will grant you that chance is reed-thin. Minuscule even. Unlikely to happen to, like, the hundredth power. All but undetectable to anything save our most powerful of electron microscopes.
But the immutable laws of probability would suggest that it does exist.
In fact, not only is there the chance that might I go on to become wildly popular – but, perhaps even preposterously so. As in unbelievably, inconceivably or perhaps even ri-donk-culously. More popular even than your Hemingways, your Aristotles or your One Directions. J.K. Rowling? Dan Brown? Snooki? Hell, in the aforementioned “Future” I might go on to out-shine them all. Making everyone forget they ever heard of any of those Sons of Bitches.
Which brings me back to your opportunity.
That’s right, I said, your opportunity. And not just any opportunity. But the cooler-beyond-cool opportunity to say that you – yes, you – actually discovered, read and were, like, tohhh-tally into me long before anyone else. Affording you the heretofore unprecedented chance to legally claim that you were there from the beginning. That you had the taste, foresight and, dare I say, righteous moral fiber to stand up and call out true greatness before anyone else.
Can you imagine how this could potentially change your life?
Let me give you a scenario.
Because, if events do indeed unfold like they possibility potentially might, in a year or two, there is, once again, that reed-thin chance that you and millions of others could well be witnessing the very circumstances I am about to describe throughout thousands of smelly, unkempt and badly lit break rooms across corporate USA.
Picture yourself standing alone in one of these rooms. Simply standing there, ostensibly minding your own business, as you scan the woe-begotten selections moldering away in the ancient vending machines. When out of the corner of your eye, your attention is diverted to the sight of two haggard employees, as they stagger in to seek the briefest of respites from the blitzkrieg of soul-crushing tasks that have come to define their existence.
As you turn to regard them fully, you watch as they all but collapse against the filthy lip of the food prep area. Hanging their heads in despair, their spent carcasses tremble as they contemplate the approaching atrocity known as their “Afternoon Status Meeting.”
Lingering for as long as they dare, they remain riveted to their spots, lacking even the impetus to search for sustenance, crumple into a chair or engage in some pointless chit-chat that will in no way save them from their horrific fate. Leaving them with no option other than to continue staring downward, their eyes devoid of anything that could possibly be described as hope or joy or perhaps even life itself.
When suddenly, the female of the pair snaps her head up brightly, as though some deeply repressed memory has somehow re-ignited itself in her mind. Her formerly emotionless face twists into an unexpected smirk, as she slaps a hand across her thigh and snorts;
Whirling towards to her still-comatose comrade, she then reaches over to backhand him across the shoulder, as she hoots;
At which point she’ll halt, as her now-gleaming eyes sweep her compatriot’s body up and down. Before arching a single eye-brow as she leans over and demands;
“Have YOU recently discovered B.T. Lyng, the wildly popular – and yet still reasonably priced – author of The Re-Org.“
Upon this, you’ll watch as her comrade’s eyes flood with outrage. Snapping his own head upwards, he jerks his face in her direction, as he savagely retorts;
“Of COURSE I’ve recently discovered B.T. Lyng, the wildly popular – and yet still reasonably priced – author of The Re-Org.“
Stepping directly into her face, he thrusts a defiant finger right between her smoldering eyes as he declares,
“Everyone – and I do mean EVERYONE – who’s even remotely cool has recently discovered the unquestioned genius who is, in fact, B.T. Lyng!!!”
At which point, a third person who was not even involved in the original conversation – and whom, hell, you probably didn’t even realize was in the room – will suddenly rush forward from the shadows, as he breathlessly cries out,
“Can I just state for the record that I too, have recently discovered B.T. Lyng, the wildly popular – and yet still reasonably priced – author of The Re-Org?!“
You’ll then watch fascinated as the trio descends into an animated discussion of my work. A discussion which swiftly builds in volume and vigor, as distinct phrases like “masterpiece,” “hilarious,” “engrossing” and possibly even “clear Nobel Peace Prize snub” begin floating up from within their midsts.
A conversation that will only continue to grow – heaving and swelling in intensity as their passion, excitement and lucrative fan-boy-esque frenzy surges towards a crescendo. Until suddenly, all three participants will cease speaking at the exact same moment.
Turning as one, you watch as they rotate until all of their eyes are locked directly upon you. And you continue to watch as they stare unblinking at you for a tense moment or two – before suddenly demanding:
And on this, they will again halt, as they take in the measure of your being with a scornful contempt. After which, they’ll re-lock their eyes back onto yours, as they sneer;
“Have YOU recently discovered B.T. Lyng, the wildly popular – and yet still reasonably priced – author of The Re-Org.?!”
At which point you’ll fix them back with a stare of your own.
A cool, calculated – almost menacing stare. A stare that will stop them in their tracks and send shivers down their trio of spines. A stare you will hold for a pre-calculated four full seconds or more. Before finally taking a small sip of your lukewarm mug of semi-dissolved Folgers instant decaf coffee crystals, and then turning to look off dramatically into the distance, as you declare;
“As a matter of legally verifiable record…I officially purchased, read – and subsequently commenced to acknowledge the now undisputed genius of B.T. Lyng…more than one calendar year ago as of this very day.”
I mean, like; whoa.
I mean, seriously, right there; whoa. Can you imagine – I mean, can you even frickin’ imagine the level of company-wide cool to which you will have ascended at that point?! As you just leave it hanging in the mystery-stench laden air like that? With the clear knowledge unspoken that you were into my crap long before any of them had even heard of me and my dubious greatness?
I mean, we’re talking a level of cool that will only continue to rise as you maintain your stare off into the distance, peripherally observing the trio’s dumb-founded, awestruck and slack-jawed mugs as they gawk back in your direction. All of them wanting, needing – and so desperately desiring to be you. And yet absolutely without the capacity to do so. Why? Because they failed to take advantage of the pristine opportunity to discover me now, before I got so huge.
An opportunity which lies in front of you at this very moment as you read these lines on your screen.
Now look. I’m not one to tell you what you should do, because I’m just not the type of person who would ever do something like that.
But basically, this is what you should do.
Get in. Get in now. Get in before everyone else.
Get in before I’m huge.
Get in and buy your copy of The Re-Org” – and claim your Comprehensive Company-Wide Coolness Now – and Forever.
And I would recommend that you do so without delay. Cause let’s face it, once I am huge, it’ll only be a matter of time before I slide down the predictable path towards Jerkdom as it all goes right to my head. The rave reviews. The blockbuster movies. The steamer trunks lousy with Oscars. The freakishly huge mansion in Beverly Hills that I in no way whatsoever need. The scandalous affairs with Lindsey Lohan, Angelina Jolie and German Prime Minister Angela Merkel.
Followed by the inevitable slide into drugs, alcohol, 90-day jail sentences and rehab. Along with the grainy YouTube videos of me attacking paparazzi, innocent puppies and small children. And then the desperate efforts to come back. The heartwarming People cover story. The deeply apologetic appearances on Oprah, Dr. Phil and The View. The disavowal of all my worldly possessions. The stint with the Dali Lama in Tibet. The earnest pledge to return as a clean, celibate and enlightened soul who’s now only interested in helping others. Which, of course, turns out to be a total bullshit P.R.-agency-staged scam that works perfectly and propels me back to the top, where I just start the whole pathetic cycle all over again.
And, I don’t mean to scare you, but I do feel obligated to let you know that over two people have already discovered the genius that is “The Re-Org” in just its first nine months of release alone. And I feel the additional responsibility to apprise you of the fact that one of those two…wasn’t even my mom.
Can you really afford to wait until that figure hits double-digits – or (gasp!) an even dozen?? Well can you?! Are you going to risk a potential lifetime of unimpeachable interoffice coolness for less than the cost of a miserable Starbucks Venti Latte?! Hell, I know I wouldn’t. I’d be on it right now. In fact, I may even go buy another copy myself just to be on the safe side.
And, trust me; I would…if only…if only I knew where to click to purchase it! Oh wait, now I remember! I can simply click on the link right below!
I could also click here.
Of course…if you have thought it over and decided you really just don’t want to, well then, okay. That’s…that’s cool, I guess. I suppose I understand. If this is all just too much pressure and you just want to get the hell out of here, then fine, you know – whatever. Just go ahead and click here.
Oh wow – that led to the book purchase page again! Sorry about that – I, uh, I’ll have to, you know, take that up with the, uh, web development department. My apologies, mea culpa, a thousand pardons, etc. Seriously, my bad. To really get out of here, just click here.
Okay, yeah, that was uncool – because, yes, I do realize, that was linked to the book purchase site again. If it helps, I do feel somewhat bad about it. So bad that I’m gonna let you get out of here right now by clicking here.
Again, yes – I do realize that too led to the book purchase site, as well. Which again, I fully admit, is wrong of me. I really should stop doing that. But it’s just that…that…I mean…it’s because….
No! No, I can’t say it. I just can’t! I can’t!
Well, okay, since you forced me. It’s just that, well, I seriously do not want you to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be cool, that’s all! I mean, hell, that’s like, the entire reason I wrote the book to begin with! Along with, you know, the potential for fame, riches, awards, universal adulation and all that.
But it was mostly because I want you for once – just ONCE in your God-forsaken life – to be cool. Because I, well, dammit…I….I care. Okay, there! There – I said it! Are you happy now?! I actually care about you!
And if that is wrong, if that’s too forward and familiar – if that’s just totally unacceptable in today’s 20-inch smart phone, politically polarized and Dancing-With-The-Stars-obsessed society, well I don’t give a damn!
That’s, right, you heard me! I don’t give a damn! No one’s going to stop me from caring about your coolness. No one! So yes – yes, I will happily lie that this link is going to any other spot on the Internets except my book purchase site – when you and I know both know damned well that’s exactly where it’s going! Because I care!
And it’s not even about the money! Hell, in fact, did you know that almost 0.000061% of the proceeds could potentially go to charity (unless I need them for something else like food or a huge new TV or swanky Vegas trip)? But otherwise, they potentially could. Potentially. So it’s not even about the money! Sheesh!
So I want you to do us both a solid.
And click on this link.
And seize your opportunity to lock down Comprehensive Company-Wide Coolness Forever by purchasing your copy of “The Re-Org” today.
Remembering the whole time, of course.
That it’s totally just because.
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